Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Episode 141: Comisssh-shun


This piece, as the blog title suggests, was a commission. What that really means is that I was not cool enough to think of this idea. No one would be stupid enough to pay me to act out their deepest, darkest Paintbrush image alteration fantasies...

Moving on... to a token life related note: no, I am not dead, just dead inside. Why is that? I blame the overuse of my 'normal people' functioning mode. What is that? That is fancy talk for when I avoid communicating via animal noises and try to believe wholeheartedly that underwear does not constitute proper attire. It is so wearing.

What is the meaning of this nonsense? It means that I am no longer funemployed. So say good-bye to sarcasm of the daily and moping variety, and hello to sarcasm of the snide, hateful and sporadic variety.

That is all, please continue with your previously scheduled internet shenans.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Episode 140: Murphy's Law


Unrelated story: this one time I proposed marriage to someone while they were racing, then I ended up accidentally throwing an apple core at them. How does one accidentally throw an apple core at someone? Beats me, all I know is that is what happened.

And no, I have never even spoken to this person on the internets, much less in real life. Some might say that is awkward, I say it is hilarious.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Episode 139: Jack Daniels' Running Formula*

I have been meaning to do a post in this vein for many moons, but the opportunity simply had not presented itself... until now. Yes, ladies (?) and gentlemen, I give you my fail-proof** beer mile training guide.

[Why this, why now? I'm doing a beer mile in the near future. Unfortunately, the events of the last year place me in a position where the former poses less of a problem than the latter. I know. No mile speed. This is never a good situation if one is a runner, and will likely result in poor results all round.]

Anyways, let's get started.

Base phase

As with any solid training program, you want to start with a good base. If you do not have a good base, you will not be able to reach the upper echelons of beer mile supremacy.

So what does this "base phase" consist of, I hear you ask. Long slow runs, with long slow water breaks. At this time in the game, it is important to get your stomach to adapt to the volume. Volume of liquid. Cool your bottle openers (or... teeth?) alkies! 'Tis not the time for beer consumption [yet].

To aid with this adaption, quantity must be stressed over quality. That means you should take small water stops and progress slowly towards larger water stops. Do not worry too much about the time between water stops in the base phase. By the end of the base phase, you should be able to stomach 500 mL of water per stop.

Another important aspect of the base phase is continuous, slow consumption of beer separate from running. Maintain this light load throughout the training block to yield optimal results.

Strength phase

So now that your body has adapted to the ills of sloshing, it is time to work on your strength. Gag reflex strength. During this phase, you will attempt to adapt to the inevitable carbonation of the beverage you will consume in the heat of competition. This, aside from the base phase, is probably the most important of all the phases. Failure to comply may result in injury to your spirit due to penalty lap caused by your weak resolve.

The mainstay of the strength phase is to consume carbonated beverages such as pop or soda water during intervals. In the beginning of the strength phase, intervals should be longer and volumes of carbonated beverage should be over-volume. As you near the end of the strength phase, you should move towards less volume, both in liquid and interval length. Steering towards canned beverages in this latter part of the phase will also prepare you for the next phase...

Speed/Specific Training Phase

Yes friends(?!), now is the time to start cracking the cold ones. Intervals with beer. This is the time to experiment with different brands (trying new things on race days is for n00bs, as I am sure you are aware).

To get the most out of your training, you should also do some chugging drills, including practicing the run-up to the transition zone and precision beer tab opening.

Sharpening/Tapering Phase

Ok. All the hay is in the barn. The beer is in the fridge. All systems are go.

Now is the time to practice your chugging, and keeping your reflexes fresh. 3-4 days out from the competition, you should practice chugging a couple of beers in quick succession - only as many as feel good, you don't want to strain yourself. From this point forth, you will go dry. You are now into the taper. As tempting as it may seem, it would be silly and wasteful to blow your load the night before the race.

Race day

Give 'em hell, believe in your training, all that crap. You will be a champion. If not, your mother still loves you uh, I guess you're not a complete failure.

So there you have it: the first (as far as I know) beer mile training guide.


* The beverage, not the guy, silly. It should be noted that Jack Daniels is not an appropriate beverage for a standard beer mile according to teh internetz.
** Method has yet to be tested by author, but sounds good theoretically. What could possibly go wrong?

Episode 138: Guilty by association

Photobucket

At this time I would prefer not to discuss how long it took me to make that...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Episode 137: Well, this is awkward...

Creeping yourself: lots of people do it, doesn't mean you want to get caught.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Episode 136: unemployed, off-days

Tired of hearing about how I am funemployed yet?

Hope not, otherwise this post may try your patience. Actually, funemployment is probably the most interesting of my life’s problems ATM, which isn't saying much. What other possible life problems could I have? All the ones that matter, except for rodent infestation (for now...).

To clarify, for the unlearned, funemployment is the state of being unemployed, while not being particularly concerned about it due to the pursuit of activities that normal employment generally prevents (stalking all track meets south of the 45th parallel). Actually, I am kind of concerned about NSF cheques and resorting to living off of cat food, so perhaps I should remove the "not being particularly concerned" part.

But let's not tire ourselves with definitions. Instead, I propose to bore you with the sorts of activities of the funemployed runner, lest you ever come to find yourself here. If you cannot find it within yourself to laugh with me, please laugh at me.

1) Feeding ducks in parks. I live near a park with lots of ducks. Ducks are basically my favourite animal. Last summer I spent an afternoon training ducks at my cottage to come knock on our door. Unfortunately, similar efforts in more recent times have been circumvented by a phobia of wasting bread end pieces... so I've moved on to trying to tame the chipmunk that lives in my shed. His name is Frank. If he gnaws on any wires in my bicycle, I will be ruined, so I'm a little apprehensive on this one and have more recently made a target of our neighbour's cat, which I have also named Frank (in my head).

2) Lurking at cafes, blogging. This is what normal funemployed hipster-type-20-somethings do. I'm not sure I need to explain about scamming WiFi, buying cheap items in order to not get kicked out and pretending to be artistic. Avoid this activity if you have a penchant for ironic self-loathing, as I do.

3) "Artistic" endeavours. My room kind of looks like some kind of pretentious art student took over due to the number of vandalizations "customizations" that I have undertaken in the last month. As a result, I will likely lose my lease deposit. If you lack paintbrushes you can always pretend to be a photographer too, especially if your auto settings are well programmed.

4) Showing up at track meets. This is a given. I even went to an elementary school meet. If you are a cop/other concerned citizen and you are reading this, I can assure you I was "off-duty" for this one.

5) Stretching, copious amounts of core, ridiculous cross-training forays. One can only run so much before one inevitably becomes injured. To produce the illusion that you are somehow taking advantage of your free time to somehow improve your fitness, the aforementioned activities will usually suffice. Bonus points for attempting the first two in public, without a shirt (see next point).

6) Weeerkin' yo' tan. Lie outside, long periods of time, no shirt. Bonus points for doing core at the same time, and every awkward social encounter that you manage to incur.

7) Refreshing facebook 20000 times per minute. Did I just admit to that?

8) Actually posting on Letsrun. Definition of unemployed, how embarrassing.

9) Becoming literate. Read one of those books that will impress people at parties. For example, I am reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and may move on to "A Scanner Darkly" assuming the above activities don't interfere too much. If you have difficulty with this, hit up wikipedia (see sidebar) so you can pretend you read the book. Or... you could become an aficionado of cult classic movies. This will detract/distract [only slightly] from how much of a loser you are when you finally get around to social contact.

10) Walks, long, aimless. Sometimes it's helpful to pretend they have a purpose, because it's difficult to wander around for hours without one if you are very type A. Common examples of these "purposes" can include "going to the bank", "going to buy X" or "going to take pictures of X" (see #3). Bonus points for combining this one with any of the other activities on the list. If anyone points out that it would be much more efficient to use another means of transportation to achieve your goals, get on your environmental highhorse.

S'all for now. Core-o'clock beckons, as do the impressionable retinas of my frightened neighbours.