Miss me?
Of course you did. Well friends(?) – it’s back! After a
lengthy hiatus, largely spent in some precipitous
corner of the Pacific Northwest, your not-so-humble forum poet laureate slash
journalist has returned to the fray. Whether it was the #socialmediainfluence or
the aching desire to fulfill my ultimate destiny as the token quasi-tragic CIS
alumnus, by some fate I was dredged to stand upon the shore for the 2017
edition of Muchachos & Mustachios.
And though I stand rusted, my purple wig caked in 10 eternities of salt
(organic, sea-derived), I have resolved to bring the people what they want: ambiguously-motivated objectification of men's hair with a side of spurious CanCon references.
But, for the slim minority
who click on this tome for the prose
(luvs ya), I think we should do a brief history, for all the kids out there. Assuming
you don’t care enough to go back and read the old editions, or your web
browsing skills prevent you from figuring out the sidebar, I have created a
visual summary of all previous editions, beginning with 2011. Some might say I’ve
covered a lot of ground over the
years (one must #earntheparty, after all).
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| all a blur, really |
But enough of this sad nostalgia. Let the preamble taper off and the floodgates open.
Spectator of the Year
The thing with having a national championship on an island
is that you find out who the #truefans are. Travel expense aside, there’s always
the chance that Poseidon invites you to become the human embodiment of trash
and/or living poetic justice for a few hours on the ferry terminal floor.
Anyways, I could choose to reward the efforts of the various
Vikes homecrowd fans with their swords and fake red hairs, but like… nah,
because I am fickle. I’m giving this one to the guy who was smashing dollar
store metal mixing bowls. Efficient and cost-effective in a land of excess.
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| Meh emoji, #mood. (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin) |
Bowling for Soup Award
I had to bust out the old FB creep method to make sure that
these fellows had anything going on, which is a sure sign that this award is
well-deserved. But all is not lost – there is at least some solace in bravery. Congrats-(ish) to Graeme Wach of Dalhousie and
Santiago Bessai of McGill for er… trying (I suppose).
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| Hmm. (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin) |
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| Maybe? (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin) |
Rookie of the Year
Once again, I had to do some digging for this award. Captains,
what doing? Anyways, after a laborious research stint, I finally found a rook
with something to work with. Congrats to Arthur Deloignon of the Universite de
Montreal (what is a carabin?).
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| Photo-shy in Vic (photo: Carabins Cross-Country) |
Most Improved
Can someone who suddenly opts to sport a Chad Kroeger goatee
and a backwards cap be considered an improved man? Perhaps not to most (outside
of Alberta), but in the forsaken realm of my mind it is so. I have no idea what
Russell Pennock of Calgary was doing with his life before this (heard it was the shampoo/blow-dry/run), but in the realm
of the mustache blog, he was worthless until this year. Congrats on the most
improved award. Lose the hat next year and you’ll be sniffing at the more
important podium.
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| Feeling way too damn good(?) (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin) |
The runner-up award in this category goes to a previous
winner of the Bowling for Soup Award, proving that is possible to go from “Someday,somehow” to “just like a paperback novel, let’s rewrite an ending that fits.” Congrats
to actual runner-up Connor Black of Guelph for upping his game without having
to resort to grey zone performance enhancing methods (JFM).
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| Silver side up (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
Beardo Award
This year’s winner would surely have won this award last
year had I not been busy being dark
speedgoggles or whatever. Offensive and alarming, Jeff Tweedle of McMaster
wins the Beardo Award.
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| I am afraid of birds tbh. (photo: Guelph Gryphons Track & Field) |
While the runner up’s team had a number of quality beard
showings, something about the great look of anguish-despair in all of his race
photos caught my eye. Congrats to Nic Morin of Laval and his bandana in the
runner-up position.
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| can taste finish line? (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
Flowtastic Award
There were many good variations of long-ish locks in this
year’s race, but the name says “flowtastic,” and so the winner will always be
someone brave enough to go #longhairdontcare in the race. This year’s winner is
Jonathan Favero of McMaster for going full untamed merman in the rain.
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| Favero leads the way. (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
As much as I enjoy the liberation of setting one’s hair to
the wind, I always have an eye for a well-constructed bun. Runner-up in this
category goes to Ryan Greico of Calgary for keeping that ish on the up for 10km.
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| On point after all them rains. (photo: University of Calgary Athletics) |
Community Service Award
Much to my disappointment, there was little in the truly outlandish
category this year. While winning the more solidified, mainstream categories is
most coveted, I would argue that the Community Service Award is the cornerstone
of this blog. Like its real-life counterpart, it ensures the preservation of that
which is rare and unquantifiable. Perhaps
the closest I saw to that ideal this year was the presentation offered by Cal
Dewolfe of Dalhousie. I’ve always been a fan of the team’s tiger shorts, but
there was an additional je ne sais quoi about
Dewolfe’s very bad faux-hawk/frosted tips combo that was a little better than
the rest.
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| def a fridge photo candidate (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
Team Title
If anyone knows anything about the real world value of
messageboard hype, it’s me. And though this can sometimes be a double-edged
sword, it seems that Calgary went the “it’s gonna be forever” route as opposed
to the “down in flames” path (sry for not incorporating something about loving
the game). They might not have won the real race, but sometimes success is
based on intangibles. And so, the team title goes to the Dinos – had some ‘stache
lowsticks in the individual cats, and good variety. Only 5/7, but it only takes
5 to score on the course, and with me.
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| Dino-myte (photo: University of Calgary Athletics) |
When it comes to CIS (not Usports, ain’t about that
#branding), Laval brings it wherever they go – race, dance floor, and personal
grooming is a place of no exception. A solid effort here – and that earns them 2nd.
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| Bien fait. (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme) |
On the flipside of things, if anyone knows anything about
how it feels to be a human trapped in the body of a meme, it’s me.
Unfortunately for McMaster, this meme has less to do with purple wigs and
debauchery, and more to do with finishing 4th in the actual race for
about the hundredth time. I originally had Mac penned in for the medal position, but after a recount had to concede that... it was not to be. Bronze to Guelph. BOOM!
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| Back in it. (photo: Guelph Gryphons) |
Individual Champion
Typically, this here blog maintains some decorum with regard
to calling out randoms, because I don’t have time for that hatorade/lawsuit
$wag. However in 2015, I decided to give the shout to some dude from Manitoba.
As it turns out, they do have the internet out at the 100th meridian, and their boy getting the shout may have been the most
eventful thing to happen in a few decades out in the Peg. But more importantly, this was
enough to land this publication on the wall of the men’s locker room (my
greatest dream, obviously). This piece
of information was so intoxicating
that it solidified the Individual Champion category in favour of Patrice Bulloch of Manitoba.
We could go on about the mullet and 'stache (an improvement
on an already good 2015 offering), but it is said that a picture is worth 1000
words (and I'm speechless).
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| 10/10 (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
While a more detailed search ousted this runner-up from an early lead, if something’s good enough
to force a cat-call out of me during pre-race strides, some recompense is in
order. And there’s no denying I like me a mullet, I like me some neon and I
like me some classic ‘stache. Congrats to my fellow bubble boy Kieran McDonald
from Alberta for this fine effort and razor-sharp attention to detail.
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| #YOLO (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin) |
And in the third spot? Tarc Murmel.. or is it Marc Turmel? Idk, some dude from Regina.
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| Nike shill? (photo: Marc Turmel) |
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| Actual events were much rainier than prophecied. |
Well folks, as sad as it may be, that's it for at least another year. As always, hatemail, general interest and journalistic awards may be forwarded to me as you see fit (pls @ me, so lonely). But until next time, keep your 14s on the grass.
