Possibly. I've still yet to receive word from the Pulitzer Prize committee. I suspect they have misplaced my address. I am not sure the bridge under which I live has been attributed a valid postal code.
Building of off my systematic process that proved so effective in '12 (cross-referencing IRL observations with photographic evidence and the all-knowing program guide), I have decided to share the wealth a bit more in terms of the runners-up this year. This is partly because picture-whoring randoms equals more blog hits, but also because the competition was as stiff as uh... nevermind.
I can only assume the field stepped up their game as a response to the spreading gospel of this blog. I accord such significance to my work humbly, of course. It's not easy riding the coat-tails of three-year-old messageboard infamy.
Now, without further ado, the gospel of the 'gogs:
Spectator of the Year
Sometimes the dedication to outrageous and notorious grease is mired by pesky notions such as "racing" and "performance optimization." Simply put, there are just some accoutrements that cannot accompany the singlet and bib number, unless you are a complete dust-show or are running the Disney World marathon. And let's be real, Speedgoggles is interested in neither of those things.Spectators, however, are free to #yolo. And the more #yolo, the better.
In that vein, first prize this year goes to Jeff Mountjoy, for his daring use of a) a filthy, filthy beard, b) liberal application of body paint, c) kilt (rescinded if underwear was worn) and d) flag-havingness. Very #yoloz (I am the #yolo king).
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| Photographic evidence was located, but I still stand by the prowess of my previous vocation. |
Honourable mention/[not?] runner-up honours go to the Mac mascot dude. I don't know who you were, but them dance moves were madd fresssssh.
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| Shake ya tailfeather |
Community Service Award
Four minute miles and five minute beer miles aside, it's pretty hard to impress me. When your daily wardrobe tends to include underwear, a purple wig and a trenchcoat, the standard against which eccentricity is measured is inevitably raised. I'm not really sure what the meaning of this award is, but I think that eccentricity is probably what it means. And in the realm of blogs about facial hair, I'm always right.Last year's winner D. Haight disappointed, sporting well, not a filthy mullet. Minus 400! His 'stache was pretty good, but a 'stache just isn't enough for the Community Service Award. You have to want it, a plain ol' 'stache is kind of like thinking you should get Citizen of the Year because you held a door open for someone one time. Everyone does that. It's a nice gesture, but not a game changer.
However, a different Vike stepped up to fill the void. In fact, he stepped up so much that I kind of felt a bit violated by simply looking at his facial hair. That's saying something.
This year, the Community Service Award goes to none other than Ryan Cassidy, for the most gruesome viking beard I've ever seen, further accentuated by his shaven head. Yikes!
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| Resemblance to that terrifying Sim that I always made sociopathic and violent is striking. |
S/O to Laurier Golden Hawk Adam Cornwall for sporting the lilac flow. He may not have sported a 'stache (that I could see), but I do appreciate a man that can pull off the purple hair. Maybe we're soulmates or something.
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| Is the purple-haired gene recessive? |
(S/O to Peter Grinbergs for this photo)
Bowling For Soup Award
Mildly interesting story: I encountered someone yesterday who was aware of this reference, it was both heartening and disappointing, kind of like how I didn't end up dismembered or in a dumpster this past weekend.
I saw a few funnies out there this year, all of which blurred the lines (what rhymes with hug me?) between "funny on purpose" and "maybe people will think I'm being funny on purpose HAHA I HOPE THEY'RE LAUGHING WITH ME." That's the sort of confusion I stand for.
At any rate, the bad ol' Bowling For Soup Award goes to none other than Chuck P-T. It would seem that this fellow tried to learn from the mistakes of other blonde d00ds of questionable mustache growing power (see Evan Jager failstache discussion at the end of this interview) by going with the ol' JFM route.
The resulting Salvadore Dali creeper pencil 'stache was definitely a winner... of this award.
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| Zoom? Zoom plz? |
Other honourable mentions for this award go to Maxime Lapierre, also reppin' Les Boys. I think he got into an accident with his shaver during a Jekyll & Hyde transition phase. Either that, or he had to make some sort of compromise with a lady friend and/or mother and decided to shave half of his face. Odd, very odd.
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| What is le going on here? Je ne comprends pas. |
Most Improved
Sometimes a change of scene is just what you need to step up your game, on the golf course and on the facial hair front. I'm pretty sure that this year's winner had a 'stache last year, but it probably sucked. Either that or it was overshadowed by his other French countrymen. Making waves in the midst of a tsunami is futile, I guess.
This year's Most Improved Award goes to Ben Raymond, now of Laval. That's some fancy-ass razor work right there.
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| It seems that Western is not the only team that produces "hot transfers." |
Rookie of the Year
Were there any rookies this year? T. Woody doesn't count, he looks like he could be my father.I was originally going to slot this year's Rookie of the Year into the "Bowling For Soup" category, but then I realized that if I removed him, there would be no winner in this category, which makes me sad. Kids these days, they don't even know who I am! Seriously, I had to explain my existence to a bunch of rookies earlier this week, it was terrible.
At first, I thought this rookie had had an unfortunate elbow mishap in the early stages of the race, resulting in a nosebleed. However, the third time I saw him, I decided that there was something more mysterious afoot, as nosebleeds aren't usually blue in addition to red.
Congrats to Alex Wilkie of the Gaels, for his perplexing tricolour rookie 'stache. Pro-tip: having a nosebleed is only sexy if you can convince people that you won the fight (presumed false if distance runner).
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| The tragedy of art is that it if it is truly great, it is often misunderstood. |
Team Title
So excited was I about the prospect of knowing what Les Boys would bring to table in terms of personal style, that I conducted a midnight phone interview with a high fever (ain't nobody got time for bronchitis!). Les Boys were quite coy about revealing what was going on with their hair, though evidence later surfaced on the twitters. I admitted some concern that the boys from Mac might be outdo them.I was right.
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| Maroon mohawks, sooo hot right now. |
Just like at OUAs, the Mac boys' colourful mohawks came in and stole the show. I guess if you're looking historically at how one can take home the team banner in the old Mustache Report, you're gonna have to know that the mohawk is always an advantage. I can't quite explain it, but the stats just don't lie.
That, and I suspect that Les Boys copied the Lady Gryphs' dye jobs from '12. While imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, imitation gets you nowhere with me.
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| Shit's lookin' reaaaal familiar, Les Boys. |
Individual Title
With heavyweight (lawl, has anyone else ever referred to him as such?) Wiebe out of the picture, the individual title was one for the taking. Favourites in the run-up included last year's Most Improved, Archer as well as the Forbes twins.However, the winner of the individual title this year was a complete dark horse. I wasn't even aware that he could grow facial hair, or that he even existed (jk, I knew that he existed, I know everyone).
This year's overall winner is none other than Blair "Captain" Morgan. Moral of the story: Red mohawk + chin strap + greasy 'stache = Great Success.
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| Don't act like you've never scratched out a girl's face in a photo. |
In keeping with Mac's strong showing in the hair department, honourable mentions go to Taylor Forbes (sorry Austen, I ain't about that Chad Kroeger shit), as well as the perennial bridesmaid Archer. Other noteworthy 'staches include Olivier Collin (+10 for Frenchness, minus 500 for superfluous backwards cap use) and Janikowski of the Lancers.
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| Basically same photo as last year, basically same result. |
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| Close, but no cigar. |
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| Another respectable showing. |
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| Beau chapeau? |
Well, folks, that's it, there isn't any more. If you're looking for me (with a pitchfork or knowledge of the progress of my Pulitzer Prize nom), you may find me under a wifi capable bridge or on the trackie forum in a state of nostalgic semi-retirement.
