Episode 120: Creeping 101

Have I been smoking crack for the last 10 months?

H-tits! This blog's been going for 10 months? Ridiculous.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself here. A while back someone asked me to explain what I meant by "fully creeping" a facebook profile. I was a little flabbergasted by their confusion, but explained anyways (doesn't everyone secretly do that? No? Just me? Ok.). I think that person probably went home and annihilated every trace of their existence from the internet.

Possibly a wise choice.

So anyways, I guess I'll outline how to "fully creep" someone on fb (this is of course, as opposed to a superficial creep, where one simply does a cursory glance at the profile pictures and such).

Facebook Creeping for Idiots, or Creeping 101

1) Secure friendship request. If the person does not add you, avoid sending harassing private messages because then they for sure won't add you and you'll look like a loser. You don't want anyone thinking things like that, even if they are true.

2) Decide where you will begin. This depends a lot on the nature of the profile. Yes, there are types. I've classified them and given them taxonomic names. But let's not talk about that right now... I recommended starting with the personal information section, so that it can be possible to appropriately stereotype and judge the individual in question based on what they have written (or not written in the case of lazy/pretentious types). Click on every single group/fangpage/clickable thing the person has on their profile that you are unfamiliar with.

3) Proceed to the profile pictures. It is wise to view this album separately as often times people's profile pictures may not appear in their tagged photos, unless they stole them from someone else. You don't want to miss out on anything, because this is the "full" creep. Be sure to read every comment, and observe every single person who has liked each picture/comment. You should probably takes notes too.

4) Proceed to the tagged pictures. Sometimes it's fun to creep these backwards so as to get a chronological sense of the individual. This part can occasionally test your resolve, especially if the individual has 1512 pictures, of which 1132 are incoherent blurry party pictures. Like a tough workout, this is something you just gotta endure. The process of observation is as for profile pictures.

Note: If you're really creepy, you'll want to click that little "download" button on the sidebar, then save the file to an appropriate folder on your desktop where you hide your pr0n and other such embarrassing things your mother wouldn't approve of.

5) Proceed to photo albums. Sometimes this step can be skipped as the individual may not have any photo albums, or those that have been uploaded are so shite that it's not worth creeping. Like an album "funny pics lol", which entails photos that grandmothers send in chain letters when trying to be funny. Videos & notes (be careful to avoid emo poetry especially) fall under the same category.

PROTIP: use the arrow keys to go through pictures. Clicking is dangerous. You might end up doing something regrettable that will be used as evidence against you. Avoid this at all costs, unless you want to be caught (kinky!?).

6) Finally, move on to the wall. This is usually the best, so you should save it for last. Go through the whole thing until you locate the first wall post. This can be arduous, depending on how long the user has been facebooking and how prolific they are. If something amusing catches your eye, go creep some friendship pages. Repeat the process for each friendship page. As you can imagine, this process can take a long time (which is a relief since I am unemployed).

NOTE: as soon as you leave the wall, all your hard work will be erased and you will have to click "older posts" 500000000 times to get back to where you were. It's so upsetting. Mark Zuckerberg, if you're reading this, please fix that.

7) You are done.

8) Bonus: creep the individual's family and friends!

9) Drown your self-loathing with ice cream and/or hard liquor!!!

10) See person the next day, have trouble looking them in the eye. Accidentally bring up their "emo phase" from 2007. Never speak to them ever again.

So there you have it.

Be concerned.

Episode 119: reverse question mark

Expressing my displeasure.

Episode 118: Trendin', or, Time Wastin' pt II.

Indirect correlation, I think not.

Fact: Sudbury's town passtime is googling Ofsaa.

Episode 117: Time wastin'

Someone asked me to define what a hipster was. I told them that "hipsterdom was the personification of postmodernism." They did not know what that meant. I did not feel the need explain further.



60% of a true story.



Of the many lines which blur before my eyes, this is one.


No explanation required.

Episode 116: Emotional Conflict

Probs going to be posting something er'yday for the rest of the week because I really can't think of more productive ways to spend my time.

Episode 115: SNAFU

Please don't think that I was adept enough to think of that comment at the time.

Episode 114: Deja-vue

Remember this?

[Probably not, like 1.5 people viewed my blog in May. If you are not among those 1.5 people, I suggest you do, my material was quite fresh. Even if you were among those 1.5, you still should, it'll probably give you a chuckle the second (or possibly tenth?) time around.]

Anyways, I'm back at it (seeking employment, not creeping... I never stopped doing that). Why am I telling you about my woes?

i) possibly hoping someone will take pity on this internet cartoonist/real-life lowlife and compensate me with cashmoney (3%)
ii) to amuse and confuse by telling you about jobs that I would like (85%).
iii) I am bored and lonely. (12%)

Ok.

So here are some jobs I believe would be ideally suited to me, given my interests, qualification and a decent sense of poetic justice (in no order).

DQ cake decorator
I mean sure, I'd probably end up just drawing dinosaurs and justin biebers all day long, but in my job interview I could casually mention this here blog, and other things that make me over-qualified and highly unsuitable for the job.

Lifeguard
You get paid to watch people. Probably mostly dirty old men, but that's just the poetic justice part kicking in. I like to refer to them as "certified creepers". I know someone else who likes to call them "pool nazis". To each their own.

Running store
This is kind of like the lifeguarding one, wherein I have high hopes of creeping on the job which are highly unrealistic and will only result in ironic situations that will both depress and amuse. I guess the silver lining would be the cheap shoes and crap.

Slave to some academic overlord
Maybe they'll pretend to be impressed by my ability to do pseudo-data management and make sweet graphs! Then I can sit in front of a computer and "multi-task".

Freelance floski
Let's be real, I wouldn't be able to get a job being a real floski. One can only dream of such things. What'll probably happen is I'll dress up in my ceremonial garb, grab my cam-cam and try to interview my cat.

Aight. That's all I got. Gotta go attempt to write a resume that might not get shredded on arrival.

Episode 113: Blinded... by calculus?!?!

This makes sense because speed has a lot to do with calculus, which was invented by some guy called Newton, who liked to do science.

Jesus H. Christ, if you still don't know what I'm talking about (a common occurrence), please consider the following:


Edit: I guess I posted this because it was Valentine's day two days ago. Sorry for my tardiness.

Episode 112: Quote me.

OP probably didn't realize I have this particular line posted on my bedroom wall. After this tip-off, expect me to post many awkward confessions on this site... I'd say they're anonymous, but let's be serious, you'll probably be able to tell who wrote them... if they ever get approved.

Episode 111: Contempt is the new creep

To answer the question of the ubiquitous philosorapor; yes. Problem?

Addendum: legit saw a guy running on a treadmill with a plastic spoon tucked into his sock last week. There's actually more to the story of this guy, but the sock thing is humour enough for one night.

Apologies for the shift from creeping to sassing/moping as of late.