Episode 151: Muchachos & Mustachios

Remember how I said I was going to do a mustache prediction post when I 'got my shit together'?

Well, that didn't really happen; no one regrets more than I (with the small exception of that part of myself that cares about my transcript... but no one likes that guy, not even me).

But less on dissociative personality disorder (thanks wikipedia), and more on mustaches. Now, I was planning on obtaining photographic evidence, or at the very least taking notes (walking around the club with a notepad FTW), but these things, much like the prediction post were only wishful thinking. So I must rely on memory... ruh roh.

& so we begin... in order of ascending exciting-ness (naturally).

Spectator of the Year
I know an unfortunate amount about spectating, and not just 'cause I'm the biggest creep around. Woah... that's an unexpectedly emo twist to this otherwise lighthearted article. Let's pretend that never happened... anyways, the 'stache comp isn't just about those who toe the line - it's about the supporting cast as well.

As usual, there was a strong contingent spectator 'staches. In fact, I would suggest that the Windsor-Guelph showdown was reciprocated in spectator 'staches. Nominees in this category included CIS alumni Dave Weston and Matt Hulse, mid-D bro Matt MacDonald, tri-dude Ian Donald and that-one-guy-from-Mac-who-wore-nothing-but-a-pair-of-very-revealing-white-split-seam-shorts-and-body-paint (not sure if his 'stache was that good, but Imma give him the shouts anyways for his ballsy outfit... I know how tough wearing underwear in the snow is).

After much ado and head scratching, I have decided that the title of Spectator 'Stache of the Year goes to Matty 'Mac' MacDonald of the Gryphons, but only because he looked like a less musically talented version of Freddy Mercury. Ya'll can probably understand how I feel about Freddy Mercury.

The Bowling for Soup Award
If you don't get this reference, it's probably because you were much cooler than me in the year 2002 (most people, really). Anyways, this award goes to the individual whose mustache attempt was the most abysmal and embarrassing.

Unfortunately, I didn't keep any close tabs on this one. I am blind to mediocrity. Feel free to call out a friend (or perhaps yourself) in the comments section for this one.

Rookie of the Year
One might expect the pickings in this category to be rather slim (pun probably intended), but this year's crop of rookies definitely stood up to the challenge. For example, actual rookie of the year Aaron Hendrikx of Guelph was seen sporting what I like to call the Chad Kroeger (look at this photograph). Frankly, I find Chad Kroeger to be rather frightening, so I'm not quite sure what that means in terms of Hendrikx's standing. I'm more into what I like to call the Magnum PI-dadstache (please don't mention anything about the Electra complex, that's awkward). Boisvert and Cassidy also deserve honourable mentions for their respective lumberjack beards.The award for rookie of the year however (in my books at least) goes to Dylan Haight of Victoria. Was it because his 'stache was substantially better? Not particularly. Was it because he ran heroically over the killing ground of at least one of my ancestors (weird fact)? Not especially. No friends, the reason that Haight receives the rookie honour is because he told me he was a fan. Moral of the story? Brown-nosing trumps hard work and perseverance every time.

Team Title
This category was relatively easy to decide upon. While strong showings were put in by Guelph, Victoria and Regina, the clear champ was obviously Windsor. If you can't take home the big prize, you gotta go for the next-best-thing. Or as I would put it, if you have to be the bridesmaid, you gotta looks so faboo in that fugly dress that the bride will worry about a runaway groom. To each their own, I suppose. Anyways, the Lancers showed unassailable depth and coherency (Walters, Janikowski, Berkis, Aguanno, Falk) that could not be matched by any other team. Kudos... I think.

Individual Champion
This is the one you've all been waiting for, I can feel it. With last year's overwhelming champ, Kelly Wiebe of Regina out of the picture, the field was wide open (reference to the Plains probably intended). Nominees in this category include Childs of UVic, Lecours of Guelph, Ikram of Laurier, Denault of TO, and basically the entire Lancer team. But like, who won? Much like the rookie of the year category, the decision-making process was somewhat suspect. Luckily, this isn't the 2002 pairs freeskate Olympic final, so no one actually cares. The actual winner is none other than Matt Walters of the Lancers (anonymous blog commenter will be pleased). Why? He kept yelling something at me, but like that Barbara Streisand song was on so I couldn't understand shit all. So naturally I assumed that he wanted me to write something about him in my blog. Isn't that every male runner's greatest fantasy?

That is all. If you want me, I'll be nervously awaiting my inevitable nomination for the Pulitzer Prize.

EDIT: I received a rather nasty threat from a Mr. Kieran Doyle, stating that if I didn't mention him somewhere in this post he would refuse to wear split-seam shorts ever again. I don't really know who this guy thinks he is, but I truly believe that the world could be improved by an increase in the old split-seam. I suppose his filthy handlebar mustache was decent too.

Also: I'm going suffer the delusion that I am more affluent than I had imagined by pretending that this is not a coincidence.