Episode 159: Muchachos & Mustachios (2017 Edition)

Miss me?

Of course you did. Well friends(?) – it’s back! After a lengthy hiatus, largely spent in some precipitous corner of the Pacific Northwest, your not-so-humble forum poet laureate slash journalist has returned to the fray. Whether it was the #socialmediainfluence or the aching desire to fulfill my ultimate destiny as the token quasi-tragic CIS alumnus, by some fate I was dredged to stand upon the shore for the 2017 edition of Muchachos & Mustachios. And though I stand rusted, my purple wig caked in 10 eternities of salt (organic, sea-derived), I have resolved to bring the people what they want: ambiguously-motivated objectification of men's hair with a side of spurious CanCon references.
 

But, for the slim minority who click on this tome for the prose (luvs ya), I think we should do a brief history, for all the kids out there. Assuming you don’t care enough to go back and read the old editions, or your web browsing skills prevent you from figuring out the sidebar, I have created a visual summary of all previous editions, beginning with 2011. Some might say I’ve covered a lot of ground over the years (one must #earntheparty, after all).

all a blur, really

But enough of this sad nostalgia. Let the preamble taper off and the floodgates open.

Spectator of the Year

The thing with having a national championship on an island is that you find out who the #truefans are. Travel expense aside, there’s always the chance that Poseidon invites you to become the human embodiment of trash and/or living poetic justice for a few hours on the ferry terminal floor.

 

Anyways, I could choose to reward the efforts of the various Vikes homecrowd fans with their swords and fake red hairs, but like… nah, because I am fickle. I’m giving this one to the guy who was smashing dollar store metal mixing bowls. Efficient and cost-effective in a land of excess.

Meh emoji, #mood. (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin)

Bowling for Soup Award

I had to bust out the old FB creep method to make sure that these fellows had anything going on, which is a sure sign that this award is well-deserved. But all is not lost – there is at least some solace in bravery.  Congrats-(ish) to Graeme Wach of Dalhousie and Santiago Bessai of McGill for er… trying (I suppose).

Hmm. (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin)

Maybe? (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin)

Rookie of the Year

Once again, I had to do some digging for this award. Captains, what doing? Anyways, after a laborious research stint, I finally found a rook with something to work with. Congrats to Arthur Deloignon of the Universite de Montreal (what is a carabin?).

Photo-shy in Vic (photo: Carabins Cross-Country)

Most Improved

Can someone who suddenly opts to sport a Chad Kroeger goatee and a backwards cap be considered an improved man? Perhaps not to most (outside of Alberta), but in the forsaken realm of my mind it is so. I have no idea what Russell Pennock of Calgary was doing with his life before this (heard it was the shampoo/blow-dry/run), but in the realm of the mustache blog, he was worthless until this year. Congrats on the most improved award. Lose the hat next year and you’ll be sniffing at the more important podium.  

Feeling way too damn good(?) (photo: Cross-Country et athlétisme/ P. Morin)

The runner-up award in this category goes to a previous winner of the Bowling for Soup Award, proving that is possible to go from “Someday,somehow” to “just like a paperback novel, let’s rewrite an ending that fits.” Congrats to actual runner-up Connor Black of Guelph for upping his game without having to resort to grey zone performance enhancing methods (JFM).

Silver side up  (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

Beardo Award

This year’s winner would surely have won this award last year had I not been busy being dark speedgoggles or whatever. Offensive and alarming, Jeff Tweedle of McMaster wins the Beardo Award.

I am afraid of birds tbh. (photo: Guelph Gryphons Track & Field)

While the runner up’s team had a number of quality beard showings, something about the great look of anguish-despair in all of his race photos caught my eye. Congrats to Nic Morin of Laval and his bandana in the runner-up position.

can taste finish line? (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

Flowtastic Award

There were many good variations of long-ish locks in this year’s race, but the name says “flowtastic,” and so the winner will always be someone brave enough to go #longhairdontcare in the race. This year’s winner is Jonathan Favero of McMaster for going full untamed merman in the rain.

Favero leads the way. (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

As much as I enjoy the liberation of setting one’s hair to the wind, I always have an eye for a well-constructed bun. Runner-up in this category goes to Ryan Greico of Calgary for keeping that ish on the up for 10km. 

On point after all them rains. (photo: University of Calgary Athletics)

Community Service Award

Much to my disappointment, there was little in the truly outlandish category this year. While winning the more solidified, mainstream categories is most coveted, I would argue that the Community Service Award is the cornerstone of this blog. Like its real-life counterpart, it ensures the preservation of that which is rare and unquantifiable.  Perhaps the closest I saw to that ideal this year was the presentation offered by Cal Dewolfe of Dalhousie. I’ve always been a fan of the team’s tiger shorts, but there was an additional je ne sais quoi about Dewolfe’s very bad faux-hawk/frosted tips combo that was a little better than the rest.

def a fridge photo candidate (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

Team Title

If anyone knows anything about the real world value of messageboard hype, it’s me. And though this can sometimes be a double-edged sword, it seems that Calgary went the “it’s gonna be forever” route as opposed to the “down in flames” path (sry for not incorporating something about loving the game). They might not have won the real race, but sometimes success is based on intangibles. And so, the team title goes to the Dinos – had some ‘stache lowsticks in the individual cats, and good variety. Only 5/7, but it only takes 5 to score on the course, and with me.

Dino-myte (photo: University of Calgary Athletics)

When it comes to CIS (not Usports, ain’t about that #branding), Laval brings it wherever they go – race, dance floor, and personal grooming is a place of no exception. A solid effort here – and that earns them 2nd.

Bien fait.  (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme)

On the flipside of things, if anyone knows anything about how it feels to be a human trapped in the body of a meme, it’s me. Unfortunately for McMaster, this meme has less to do with purple wigs and debauchery, and more to do with finishing 4^th in the actual race for about the hundredth time. I originally had Mac penned in for the medal position, but after a recount had to concede that... it was not to be. Bronze to Guelph. BOOM!

Back in it. (photo: Guelph Gryphons)

Individual Champion

Typically, this here blog maintains some decorum with regard to calling out randoms, because I don’t have time for that hatorade/lawsuit $wag. However in 2015, I decided to give the shout to some dude from Manitoba. As it turns out, they do have the internet out at the 100th meridian, and their boy getting the shout may have been the most eventful thing to happen in a few decades out in the Peg. But more importantly, this was enough to land this publication on the wall of the men’s locker room (my greatest dream, obviously).  This piece of information was so intoxicating that it solidified the Individual Champion category in favour of Patrice Bulloch of Manitoba.

We could go on about the mullet and 'stache (an improvement on an already good 2015 offering), but it is said that a picture is worth 1000 words (and I'm speechless).

10/10 (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

While a more detailed search ousted this runner-up from an early lead, if something’s good enough to force a cat-call out of me during pre-race strides, some recompense is in order. And there’s no denying I like me a mullet, I like me some neon and I like me some classic ‘stache. Congrats to my fellow bubble boy Kieran McDonald from Alberta for this fine effort and razor-sharp attention to detail.

#YOLO (photo: Cross-Country et athletisme/ P. Morin)

And in the third spot? Tarc Murmel.. or is it Marc Turmel? Idk, some dude from Regina.

Nike shill? (photo: Marc Turmel)

Actual events were much rainier than prophecied.

Well folks, as sad as it may be, that's it for at least another year. As always, hatemail, general interest and journalistic awards may be forwarded to me as you see fit (pls @ me, so lonely). But until next time, keep your 14s on the grass.