Episode 24: Token running-related post

I have decided to make an uncharacteristic blog post which isn't even about lurking, or the amusing effects of speed goggles.

I know.

It all started this morning, with a deeply shameful act. I DNFed my weekly long run. Bailed. Got a ride home.

But before you get on your high horse and begin to judge Speedgoggles' running ethic, let's rewind...

In my excitement about the nice weather this morning, I decided it would be a good idea to make a trek over to this conservation area on the other side of town, to frolic amongst the trees, streams and logs. It is at this point that I should mention that there are only 3 ways to get into the park - one is legal, and the other two are holes cut into the chain link fence. As it happens, the two sketchier entry routes are closer to my house, and on opposite sides of a river. The legal entrance is considerably further away.

But back to the story - so I'm hopping logs, rock cuts and streams, making my way around the conservation park. As the time on my stopwatch approaches 52 minutes, I am pleased to find myself near one of the conveniently placed fence gaps, so that I can begin the 25 minute journey home.

Then - disaster strikes.

As I approach said gap, I find that it is well, as they say... no longer a gap. Turns out that the rest of the trail is closed due to construction. Dick move.

It occurs to me now that I could have just climbed over the fence, but sometimes when you've been running for 52 minutes your brain doesn't function properly. Also, I'm none too adept at climbing things, despite the implications of the "core workout" cartoon. At the time, it seemed like a good idea to run around to the next closest park exit, which was, as it turned out, not as close as it seemed in a car.

So I back tracked it back to the legal, gated entrance. The park warden stared.

I started running back towards my house on the highway. Good thing I forgot to put on sunblock.

I look at my watch again. 70 minutes. I am at least 25 minutes away from my house now. I begin to weigh my options. I eventually came to the conclusion that though I could easily make it home, since I wasn't really that tired anyways, it would probably be for the best to stop at 75 minutes and bail, since a 95 minute + run would probably not make my legs feel so fresh for the series of races I'm supposed to be doing over the next couple days.

My shorts were also beginning to chafe.

So I did what any reasonable person would do, and screened the area for an unsketchy place for me to call home. I selected an elementary school. Unfortunately, this was the very elementary school I once attended, so I ran into some teachers who knew me on the way to the office and had to explain my predicament.

I finally got to call home. I refused to consider that my parents might not even be home (last time that happened, I got locked out of the house and had to run an extra 3 km to get to the grocery store to snag some keys). Fortunately, this was no the case, and a few minutes later I found myself in the front seat of my dad's car.

He said I was a moron an should have climbed the fence.

That is all. Now I'm really off to become a buddhist monk.

Episode 23: S'what I do... E'ryday

The heat wave has ruined my ability to conjure up cartoons. I did, however, notice something rather amusing when I opened up my web browser.... 10 most visited sites. [Drum roll]

10) uncyclopedia.org

9-6) various blogs... maybe yours?

5) youtube

4)flotrack

3) tnfnorth, or whatever they're calling the new site these days

2) wikipedia (surprised? one of my lesser known hobbies is reading medical articles, collecting trivial facts)

1) facebook (no surprise, it's the ultimate source of anything worth knowing/seeing)

It is at this point that I must announce my upcoming absence from "tha inturwebz" in order to become a buddhist monk for the weekend and cleanse my soul (don't worry, it's not a serious case of hipster induced abstinence) by feeding ducks and swearing at sea-doo riding folk. I'll likely return mid-next week, just in time to post some highly excitable Ofsaa track related 'toons.

Episode 22: Speedgoggles for hire...

Ironically, 2 minutes after this was finished my mother told me to "get a mo' effing job". The last bit was a paraphrase because my mother doesn't speak that way. But seriously... hire me.

Episode 20: High Stakes Race

Run Leeds, run...

Episode 19: $5000 reward

Episode 18: Managing Road Rage

I only brake for runners. Good-looking ones.

Episode 17: Lady Gaga vs. ride campaign

I was a little rattled.

Episode 16: The weekly agenda...

Sorry folk(s?)... no cartoon today. What I can offer however, is an analysis of what I plan to do this week... it's almost as pathetic as the other content posted here, so hopefully it will do.

Today (Sun): work*, facebook stalking, watch "Running Brave", followed by the desire to go out and run for 2 hours (which I will ignore, as it will be late at night and also because I have already done a significant amount of physical activity).

Mon: 50% off day at Value Village. Hopefully I'll get enough clothes to last me until the next one.

Tue: Work*. I also might try to convince myself to go swimming, but I doubt it will happen because water disgusts me.

Wed: Job hunting. This will inevitably result in a depression that can only be resolved by spending the rest of the day creeping on the internet and making cartoons about it and going on long pointless walks (like on the viagra commercial).

Thur: Highlight of the week: creeping a HS track meet. Don't worry... I'll hold off hanging out of trees until Ofsaa.

Fri: Work*

Sat: Thinking so far in advance depresses me. Perhaps I will go to my cottage, even though the lurking opportunities there are non-existent.

I retrospect, I probably could have made a cartoon about this, but I'd rather go have an ice bath at this time.

*The number of hours I work per week in relation to the number of hours spent doing nothing at all is so depressing that I am, by my own definition, unemployed.

Episode 15: Beer Mile Profile

I recently came to the sad realization that the only WR that I could ever have a shot in the dark at is the beer mile. This is the only justification I can offer.

Episode 14: No wheels.

Episode 13: The truth hurts...

Episode 12: But we all die alone...

Episode 11: I "tri"ed real hard...

Not a fan of the bike.

Episode 10: Saturday nights...

I don't doubt the accuracy of this prophecy on such a stormy evening ...

Episode 9: The Core Workout

No really, it works.

Episode 8: And the Oscar goes to...

Episode 7: Mercier Tables

Is it near enough to midnight to pretend that I didn't make two posts on the same day? I guess it hardly makes any difference, no matter which way you look at it.

Episode 6: I wear my sunglasses at night.

Episode 5: Beware the white unmarked van...

Episode 4: The greatest thing since sliced bread...

I am known to drool quite frequently.

Episode 3: After a rainy track session...

I then proceeded to watch 'Without Limits' in 10 minute segments on youtube while drinking my beer.

Episode 2: Sundays are for long runs

The last bit is so poetic that it's almost a haiku.

Episode 1: Facebook lurking.

I tell myself that everyone does this.

The medium is the message?

Sup, internet. Speedgoggles is the name... being bored, unemployed and a distance runner is my game.

I am in the middle of an existential crisis that can only be solved via MS Paint (actually some knock-off called Paintbrush, because I use a mac) cartoons, painfully executed with my ancient trackpad at all hours of the day when I should be doing something useful (getting a job, having legit hobbies).

At the request of many (realistically 2) people I am posting these cartoons to "tha inturnetz" so that you can laugh at the pathetic-ness of my existence.

Two things: all my cartoons are at the very least semi-factual (making them funnier/more pathetic), and "I" look different in each episode because I own a scrambler suit.