Tired of hearing about how I am funemployed yet?
Hope not, otherwise this post may try your patience. Actually, funemployment is probably the most interesting of my life’s problems ATM, which isn't saying much. What other possible life problems could I have? All the ones that matter, except for rodent infestation (for now...).
To clarify, for the unlearned, funemployment is the state of being unemployed, while not being particularly concerned about it due to the pursuit of activities that normal employment generally prevents (stalking all track meets south of the 45th parallel). Actually, I am kind of concerned about NSF cheques and resorting to living off of cat food, so perhaps I should remove the "not being particularly concerned" part.
But let's not tire ourselves with definitions. Instead, I propose to bore you with the sorts of activities of the funemployed runner, lest you ever come to find yourself here. If you cannot find it within yourself to laugh with me, please laugh at me.
1) Feeding ducks in parks. I live near a park with lots of ducks. Ducks are basically my favourite animal. Last summer I spent an afternoon training ducks at my cottage to come knock on our door. Unfortunately, similar efforts in more recent times have been circumvented by a phobia of wasting bread end pieces... so I've moved on to trying to tame the chipmunk that lives in my shed. His name is Frank. If he gnaws on any wires in my bicycle, I will be ruined, so I'm a little apprehensive on this one and have more recently made a target of our neighbour's cat, which I have also named Frank (in my head).
2) Lurking at cafes, blogging. This is what normal funemployed hipster-type-20-somethings do. I'm not sure I need to explain about scamming WiFi, buying cheap items in order to not get kicked out and pretending to be artistic. Avoid this activity if you have a penchant for ironic self-loathing, as I do.
3) "Artistic" endeavours. My room kind of looks like some kind of pretentious art student took over due to the number of vandalizations "customizations" that I have undertaken in the last month. As a result, I will likely lose my lease deposit. If you lack paintbrushes you can always pretend to be a photographer too, especially if your auto settings are well programmed.
4) Showing up at track meets. This is a given. I even went to an elementary school meet. If you are a cop/other concerned citizen and you are reading this, I can assure you I was "off-duty" for this one.
5) Stretching, copious amounts of core, ridiculous cross-training forays. One can only run so much before one inevitably becomes injured. To produce the illusion that you are somehow taking advantage of your free time to somehow improve your fitness, the aforementioned activities will usually suffice. Bonus points for attempting the first two in public, without a shirt (see next point).
6) Weeerkin' yo' tan. Lie outside, long periods of time, no shirt. Bonus points for doing core at the same time, and every awkward social encounter that you manage to incur.
7) Refreshing facebook 20000 times per minute. Did I just admit to that?
8) Actually posting on Letsrun. Definition of unemployed, how embarrassing.
9) Becoming literate. Read one of those books that will impress people at parties. For example, I am reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and may move on to "A Scanner Darkly" assuming the above activities don't interfere too much. If you have difficulty with this, hit up wikipedia (see sidebar) so you can pretend you read the book. Or... you could become an aficionado of cult classic movies. This will detract/distract [only slightly] from how much of a loser you are when you finally get around to social contact.
10) Walks, long, aimless. Sometimes it's helpful to pretend they have a purpose, because it's difficult to wander around for hours without one if you are very type A. Common examples of these "purposes" can include "going to the bank", "going to buy X" or "going to take pictures of X" (see #3). Bonus points for combining this one with any of the other activities on the list. If anyone points out that it would be much more efficient to use another means of transportation to achieve your goals, get on your environmental highhorse.
S'all for now. Core-o'clock beckons, as do the impressionable retinas of my frightened neighbours.
No comments:
Post a Comment