Episode 139: Jack Daniels' Running Formula*

I have been meaning to do a post in this vein for many moons, but the opportunity simply had not presented itself... until now. Yes, ladies (?) and gentlemen, I give you my fail-proof** beer mile training guide.

[Why this, why now? I'm doing a beer mile in the near future. Unfortunately, the events of the last year place me in a position where the former poses less of a problem than the latter. I know. No mile speed. This is never a good situation if one is a runner, and will likely result in poor results all round.]

Anyways, let's get started.

Base phase

As with any solid training program, you want to start with a good base. If you do not have a good base, you will not be able to reach the upper echelons of beer mile supremacy.

So what does this "base phase" consist of, I hear you ask. Long slow runs, with long slow water breaks. At this time in the game, it is important to get your stomach to adapt to the volume. Volume of liquid. Cool your bottle openers (or... teeth?) alkies! 'Tis not the time for beer consumption [yet].

To aid with this adaption, quantity must be stressed over quality. That means you should take small water stops and progress slowly towards larger water stops. Do not worry too much about the time between water stops in the base phase. By the end of the base phase, you should be able to stomach 500 mL of water per stop.

Another important aspect of the base phase is continuous, slow consumption of beer separate from running. Maintain this light load throughout the training block to yield optimal results.

Strength phase

So now that your body has adapted to the ills of sloshing, it is time to work on your strength. Gag reflex strength. During this phase, you will attempt to adapt to the inevitable carbonation of the beverage you will consume in the heat of competition. This, aside from the base phase, is probably the most important of all the phases. Failure to comply may result in injury to your spirit due to penalty lap caused by your weak resolve.

The mainstay of the strength phase is to consume carbonated beverages such as pop or soda water during intervals. In the beginning of the strength phase, intervals should be longer and volumes of carbonated beverage should be over-volume. As you near the end of the strength phase, you should move towards less volume, both in liquid and interval length. Steering towards canned beverages in this latter part of the phase will also prepare you for the next phase...

Speed/Specific Training Phase

Yes friends(?!), now is the time to start cracking the cold ones. Intervals with beer. This is the time to experiment with different brands (trying new things on race days is for n00bs, as I am sure you are aware).

To get the most out of your training, you should also do some chugging drills, including practicing the run-up to the transition zone and precision beer tab opening.

Sharpening/Tapering Phase

Ok. All the hay is in the barn. The beer is in the fridge. All systems are go.

Now is the time to practice your chugging, and keeping your reflexes fresh. 3-4 days out from the competition, you should practice chugging a couple of beers in quick succession - only as many as feel good, you don't want to strain yourself. From this point forth, you will go dry. You are now into the taper. As tempting as it may seem, it would be silly and wasteful to blow your load the night before the race.

Race day

Give 'em hell, believe in your training, all that crap. You will be a champion. If not, your mother still loves you uh, I guess you're not a complete failure.

So there you have it: the first (as far as I know) beer mile training guide.


* The beverage, not the guy, silly. It should be noted that Jack Daniels is not an appropriate beverage for a standard beer mile according to teh internetz.
** Method has yet to be tested by author, but sounds good theoretically. What could possibly go wrong?