Episode 147: For everything there is a season

Does this mean my retirement is over? No. I just felt that it would be a crime against humanity to not create this cartoon.

If you do not understand it, it may be because you failed grade 9 math.

Episode 146: Beer Mile Race Report

After being asked to summarize my beer mile experience, it is inevitable that I must call upon the veritable fountain of quotations that is well, myself. If that sounded at all, in any way like the words of someone who has some shred of self-esteem, do not be taken in; the quotes I am speaking of are rarely wise, rarely funny, but rather, pithy and ironic.

Example:
"Beer... never fucking again."

These were my main thoughts while downing my fourth can of Sleeman original draught. Why Sleeman's? 'Cause it's brewed in Guelph, aka the running mecca of the Great White North, which as I would know all too well being the avid track "fan" (I use the term liberally here) that I am.

Anyways, after that beer I defaulted to anti-vomiting mode and thought no more, probably closed in like 2:00 or something godawful like that, dodging puke all down the back straight (not mine obvi... when Speedgoggles uses anti-vomit mode, it's super effective). The main reason I did not want to vomit is probably not what you think, however. I was not that I was worried about having to do a penalty lap... it was because I realized that I would have to drink even more beer, which I had already vowed to not do.

Some vows, however are made to be broken, because the remnants of that six pack were certainly not going downtown with me (insert joke about six packs and beer guts here).

My time was like somewhere north of 9, but well south of 10 minutes, third overall female (I'm female?!!?). Ack. The main thing I will take away from my first beer mile is that I probably should have followed my training guide; specifically the parts about practicing running with carbonation and chugging. My excuse is this: as an avid wine drinker I am ill-practiced at those kinds of things.


Anyways, for all the creeps out there, here are photos which prove I am a real fictional person.

Obviously before the race started.

At least I'm not trying to waft the beer...


Beer no. 2 or 3 or that number of months preggo... after this the pics got too greasy for even me to post.

After this debauchery took place, many fine liquor establishments were terrorized by some crazy bitch wearing only underwear and a purple wig. I even encountered someone I creeper added on facebook who recognized me. This, like most of the surreal experiences of my existence resulted in the interior monologue, "Shit don't phase."

Over and out for realz this time,
Speedy G.

Episode 145: Retirement

You knew it was coming.

Employment was the final nail in the coffin. Speedgoggles' primary characteristic was unemployment. And futility.

Don't worry, the futility still applies.

Having achieved most of the primary directives initially set at the outset of operation speedgoggles, I feel that it is time for me to hang up the purple wig before it gets awkward and sad, like the third Spiderman movie.

Do you feel like a piece of your childhood has died? Didn't think so. Anyways, there's still room for one last stand - a victory lap if you will: the beer mile (and inevitable consequences...) which I alluded to in the Jack Daniel's post. Don't worry, I'll post the evidence.

And what were those directives? Classified.

-Speedgoggles... out.

PS. If you think I'm joshing and that I will inevitably come crawling back here, you're probably right. I'm that kind of guy.

Episode 144: Culture Clash

Thanks Globe, I've always been looking to expand my audience in the yuppie/WASP category.

May scan later...

EDIT: I'm too lazy to scan... if you were too lazy to go take a peek at the Globe, there was an article about running forums, TnF gots the shout.

There was also an article saying that I should wear bike shorts under my skirt when I commute to work... joke's on you Globe, everyone's seen me in my underwear.

Episode 144: The twits

I gots 'em.

No guys really, this is me. Your mind=blown, your innocence=devastated, your faith in humanity=decimated.

Etc.

Episode 143: The day, it has been seen

So back in April I did a wee bit of a race report. Today, I bring you another bloggerly staple: the music blog. I never thought I'd see the day...

Disdain.

In this edition of Blinded by Speed, I will not attempt to impress you with how fresh and cool my beats are, but rather how encyclopedic, clever and ironic I am (read embarrassing 80s tunes). Let's be real kids, being cool is passe (or in my case, negative). Being overbearing and patronizing is so much better.

It's also much easier to do in your mother's basement tip tapping on the ordinateur.

Rest assured that youtube will still be raped.

And so... we have...

Speedgoggle's fave creepin' tuneskis

Obviously.



So many of Blondie's songs are tinged with 'I go through your trash for funsies' type sentiments.




Looks like some weirdo got to doing a homemade music vid for this one before I did... sad.



A work that transcends all.




Speedos? Schoolboys? Am I Bonnie Tyler?



I once made alternate lyrics to this song... please never ask me to repeat them.



Songs pertaining to running always taken literally.



I enjoy being rickrolled more than the average internet user.



Begs the question, what is this, I don't even.



Yehaaaahhh.


Ok, looks like I've reached my quota for self-hatred.

Fin.

Episode 142: Comic sansassin

It's funny because the type in the cartoon is sans-serif.