I guess I'm just a hater.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Episode 101: Slow week.
This photo has nothing to do with the blog post at hand.
Why did I post it? Probably to show off, and probably because I have no cartoon-worthy material to speak of. Slow week.
In keeping with my list theme, I'm going to go with Top 5 Stranger than Fiction 'Gogs Facts.
5) After exhaustive creeping, I enjoy perusing Canadian geography stubs and obscure medical articles.
4) I managed to completely avoid eating bananas from 1999-2009 (aside from baked goods, of course, because everyone likes banana bread). After taste testing a banana in March, I came to the conclusion that I will probably not eat another one until 2019, because I didn't enjoy it very much.
3) I was on my high school's "Reach for the Top" trivia team. I was particularly adept regarding French, 20th century English literature, art history, and obscure pop culture.
2) I was known to draw humourous caricatures of my co-workers on our office's publicly displayed white board. My piece de resistance was that of my boss. Somehow, I was not fired.
1) I used to tell stories about stop-sign eating aliens to other kids on the bus to school. I believe whoever got to read my EQAO creative writing thing probably died of WTF, LOL.
Please, for the sake of everyone, let there be more exciting occurrences in the next week.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Episode 100: Red, gold & green.
Cliche?
Probably.
I had this overpowering urge to do a top 10 list. I was going to do "top 10 creeping moments of 2010", but had difficulty locating 10 non-incriminating screen captures.
"But Gogs, why would you worry about incriminating evidence? Everyone knows you're the biggest creep around."
Trudat.
However, one my fundamental principles is that no one is allowed to know what I creep, lest it get creeped. So obviously that particular "top 10" was a bust.
Instead, I bring you "Speedgoggles' top 5 Halloween costumes of ALL-TIME (of all-time?)" (10 is a stretch since I didn't develop a deviant personality until age 8).
5) "The King of Cardboard Boxes". 2002
"WTF?!" you may ask. I might also ask that. I have no answers. I was a weird kid.
Tip: if you plan on trick-or-treating avoid this one... it's difficult to abuse self-serve candy stations when you can't bend at the waist.
4) disheveled drag queen. 2007.
This one confused a lot of people for different reasons. Old people didn't know what I was. Young people were unsure of my actual gender. Those in between might have wondered whether I was inadvertently mocking drag queens and the LGTB community at large (false).
At any rate, I credit my success to sock stuffing, in various locations.
3) Columbia from RHPS. 2009.
Went to the midnight showing, of course. Even got snapped for the local newspaper. NBD.
I'm not sure whether it was worth the hundreds of hours spent sequining various articles of clothing though, so this one loses points.
2) Boy George. 2008.
Solid runner-up. I was one of the few runners in Sarnia who attempted to bamboozle candy with an actual, legit costume. Also, when our team was seated by the bar in East Mario's, I got to chill with some dude dressed up as Axl Rose. Only our coach realized why this was funny. That stuff doesn't happen in real life (Axl Rose would obviously want to kick Boy George's ass).
Side-note: this was "what was up" with the Culture Club video clue that I posted earlier.
1) Speedgoggles. 2010.
photo as posted in "This is... legitimate Speedgoggles"
Some people said this one was weak, since it wasn't even a costume. I disagree; how many people can say that they spent the better part of 8 months on their costume?
Exactly.
Probably.
I had this overpowering urge to do a top 10 list. I was going to do "top 10 creeping moments of 2010", but had difficulty locating 10 non-incriminating screen captures.
"But Gogs, why would you worry about incriminating evidence? Everyone knows you're the biggest creep around."
Trudat.
However, one my fundamental principles is that no one is allowed to know what I creep, lest it get creeped. So obviously that particular "top 10" was a bust.
Instead, I bring you "Speedgoggles' top 5 Halloween costumes of ALL-TIME (of all-time?)" (10 is a stretch since I didn't develop a deviant personality until age 8).
5) "The King of Cardboard Boxes". 2002
"WTF?!" you may ask. I might also ask that. I have no answers. I was a weird kid.
Tip: if you plan on trick-or-treating avoid this one... it's difficult to abuse self-serve candy stations when you can't bend at the waist.
4) disheveled drag queen. 2007.
This one confused a lot of people for different reasons. Old people didn't know what I was. Young people were unsure of my actual gender. Those in between might have wondered whether I was inadvertently mocking drag queens and the LGTB community at large (false).
At any rate, I credit my success to sock stuffing, in various locations.
3) Columbia from RHPS. 2009.
Went to the midnight showing, of course. Even got snapped for the local newspaper. NBD.
I'm not sure whether it was worth the hundreds of hours spent sequining various articles of clothing though, so this one loses points.
2) Boy George. 2008.
Solid runner-up. I was one of the few runners in Sarnia who attempted to bamboozle candy with an actual, legit costume. Also, when our team was seated by the bar in East Mario's, I got to chill with some dude dressed up as Axl Rose. Only our coach realized why this was funny. That stuff doesn't happen in real life (Axl Rose would obviously want to kick Boy George's ass).
Side-note: this was "what was up" with the Culture Club video clue that I posted earlier.
1) Speedgoggles. 2010.
photo as posted in "This is... legitimate Speedgoggles"
Some people said this one was weak, since it wasn't even a costume. I disagree; how many people can say that they spent the better part of 8 months on their costume?
Exactly.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Episode 97: Cannons, ends & screws.
Non-denominational holiday time is upon us. This can only mean one thing: this loose cannon is at a loose end, and the screws are beginning to loosen.
What that really means is that I'm back to my old ways and days.
What that really means is that the internet, she is no longer safe.
I have nothing to give you tonight because I spent the better part of today perusing TnF threads from the years 2006 and 2007 (as Speedgoggles, I do not feel the need to justify such behaviour) so I guess I'll post the only two holiday songs I like.
Funny story: once I was forced to listen to a Sharon, Lois & Bram Christmas CD. I had a temper tantrum after 20 minutes. I was 15 at the time.
What that really means is that I'm back to my old ways and days.
What that really means is that the internet, she is no longer safe.
I have nothing to give you tonight because I spent the better part of today perusing TnF threads from the years 2006 and 2007 (as Speedgoggles, I do not feel the need to justify such behaviour) so I guess I'll post the only two holiday songs I like.
Funny story: once I was forced to listen to a Sharon, Lois & Bram Christmas CD. I had a temper tantrum after 20 minutes. I was 15 at the time.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Episode 96: The Blog-ification of Alfred P.
There are strange things done in the Big Nickel
By harriers who toil for gold;
The northern trails have secret tales
That will make you beg for Yaktrax
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the periphery of Lake Ramsey
I blogged about Alfred P.
Now Alfred P. was a CWOSSA boi you see, where winter is soft and lame.
Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the 'bury, God can only explain.
His runs were miserable, but the land of nickel seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he'd often say in his homely way that "he'd sooner live in he - res."
On December 12th he yogged his sorry ass along some snowy street.
Talk of the snow! through his balaclava's breach it stabbed like a driven cleat.
If his swim goggles he'd remove, then his lashes froze till he couldn't see;
People in cars thought it was funny, but the only one to disagree was Alfred P.
And that very night, as he donned his swim goggles and a snow suit,
And everyone else was inside, as the weather network did call for a stormy brute,
He turned to me, and "Gogs," says he, "I'll probs die on this yog;
And if I do, I'm asking that you won't refuse to dedicate me a post on your blog."
Well, he seemed so low that I couldn't say no; then he typed, seeming done:
"It's this blighted blizzard, and it's got right hold of my Sunday long run.
Yet 'taint the pace - it's my awful dread of dwindling mileage that's a pain;
So I want to you to swear, that living or dead, about my run you'll explain.
A troll's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore it wouldn't be too convoluted;
And he started on across the campus; but God! he looked fucking stupid.
He crouched against the wind, and he raved all yog long about asshole motorists spraying him above the knee;
And before nightfall a broken soul and ice covered goggles were all that was left of Alfred P.
There wasn't a thing to blog in the land of Gogs, and so I typed, boredom-driven,
With a niggling urge to lampoon that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to my desktop, and it seemed to say: "You may tax your thesaurus and brains,
But you promised true, and it's up to you to blog Yogi's jokes jog."
Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the 'net is a strange circus.
In the hours to come, though it was kinda fun, in my heart how I cursed Robert Service.
In the long, long hours, by the lone screenlight, while my suitcases, piled high,
Imposed their malcontent to this homeless blogger - O God! what a nigh'.
And every minute these familiar verses seemed to long and longer grow;
And on I went, though my ideas were spent and the material was getting low;
This blog was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
I'd often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.
'Till I came to the periphery of Lake Ramsey, and I remembered my muse;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called "Yogenfruzz".
And I imagined it, and I laughed bit, and I looked at this frozen fool;
Then "This," said I, with a sudden cry, "happened to me in high school."
Some verses I tore from a book, and I came up with an idea for this entry;
Some words I found just lying around, in an online rhyming dictionary;
The rhymes were just flowin' and I was in the zone - such literacy you seldom see;
By harriers who toil for gold;
The northern trails have secret tales
That will make you beg for Yaktrax
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the periphery of Lake Ramsey
I blogged about Alfred P.
Now Alfred P. was a CWOSSA boi you see, where winter is soft and lame.
Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the 'bury, God can only explain.
His runs were miserable, but the land of nickel seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he'd often say in his homely way that "he'd sooner live in he - res."
On December 12th he yogged his sorry ass along some snowy street.
Talk of the snow! through his balaclava's breach it stabbed like a driven cleat.
If his swim goggles he'd remove, then his lashes froze till he couldn't see;
People in cars thought it was funny, but the only one to disagree was Alfred P.
And that very night, as he donned his swim goggles and a snow suit,
And everyone else was inside, as the weather network did call for a stormy brute,
He turned to me, and "Gogs," says he, "I'll probs die on this yog;
And if I do, I'm asking that you won't refuse to dedicate me a post on your blog."
Well, he seemed so low that I couldn't say no; then he typed, seeming done:
"It's this blighted blizzard, and it's got right hold of my Sunday long run.
Yet 'taint the pace - it's my awful dread of dwindling mileage that's a pain;
So I want to you to swear, that living or dead, about my run you'll explain.
A troll's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore it wouldn't be too convoluted;
And he started on across the campus; but God! he looked fucking stupid.
He crouched against the wind, and he raved all yog long about asshole motorists spraying him above the knee;
And before nightfall a broken soul and ice covered goggles were all that was left of Alfred P.
There wasn't a thing to blog in the land of Gogs, and so I typed, boredom-driven,
With a niggling urge to lampoon that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to my desktop, and it seemed to say: "You may tax your thesaurus and brains,
But you promised true, and it's up to you to blog Yogi's jokes jog."
Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the 'net is a strange circus.
In the hours to come, though it was kinda fun, in my heart how I cursed Robert Service.
In the long, long hours, by the lone screenlight, while my suitcases, piled high,
Imposed their malcontent to this homeless blogger - O God! what a nigh'.
And every minute these familiar verses seemed to long and longer grow;
And on I went, though my ideas were spent and the material was getting low;
This blog was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
I'd often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.
'Till I came to the periphery of Lake Ramsey, and I remembered my muse;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called "Yogenfruzz".
And I imagined it, and I laughed bit, and I looked at this frozen fool;
Then "This," said I, with a sudden cry, "happened to me in high school."
Some verses I tore from a book, and I came up with an idea for this entry;
Some words I found just lying around, in an online rhyming dictionary;
The rhymes were just flowin' and I was in the zone - such literacy you seldom see;
Then I clicked "publish post" on the editing page, and I blogged about Alfred P.
Then I went offline, for I didn't like to see my number of hits so low;
And the heavens scowled, and I howled, and the wing began to blow.
It was still icy cold in the nickel, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, because I was south of the 45th degree;
And the Superstack's smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.
Then I went offline, for I didn't like to see my number of hits so low;
And the heavens scowled, and I howled, and the wing began to blow.
It was still icy cold in the nickel, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, because I was south of the 45th degree;
And the Superstack's smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.
I do not know how long in the chat window I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the little green dot reappeared and ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but bravely said: "I'll just see what's going down.
I guess he's cracked, and it's time I see how bad;" ... then the chat window I opened wide.
And there was Yogi, all frozen and crazy, defrosting his balls;
And he had frozen fingers you could see a mile, and he said: "pLeasr tellls me who\= youi are'
It's awfpul up here, and zI greatlty fear that tomorrow's run will be equally shite -
Finally knowing your identity would likely make it kind of alright."
But the little green dot reappeared and ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but bravely said: "I'll just see what's going down.
I guess he's cracked, and it's time I see how bad;" ... then the chat window I opened wide.
And there was Yogi, all frozen and crazy, defrosting his balls;
And he had frozen fingers you could see a mile, and he said: "pLeasr tellls me who\= youi are'
It's awfpul up here, and zI greatlty fear that tomorrow's run will be equally shite -
Finally knowing your identity would likely make it kind of alright."
There are strange things done in the Big Nickel
By the harriers who toil for gold; The northern trails have their secret tales That would make you beg for Yaktrax; The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, But the queerest they ever did see Was that night on the periphery of Lake Ramsey I blogged about Alfred P.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Episode 95: Heredity
"I was on facebook the other day, creeping this lawyer, and then I saw your facebook status..."
-Speedgoggles Sr.
From what I know of biology (mostly limited to obscure wikipedia articles and "for-funsies" textbook reading), one of the great debates is the nature (or nurture) of certain behavioural traits.
At this time, I'm not feeling terribly academically inclined, so I'll cut straight to the chase, without trying to make a proper segue.
Things I learned yesterday, over a post-Santa Clause parade bottle of red wine:
1) My mother will read this.
2) My mother lurks on TnF.
3) My mother lurks on old TnF (or as I lovingly refer to them, "the archives")
4) My mother has read your blog (if applicable).
How did I find this out?
"So, I saw your Christmas list... do you actually want a spy camera?"
-Speedgoggles Sr.
From what I know of biology (mostly limited to obscure wikipedia articles and "for-funsies" textbook reading), one of the great debates is the nature (or nurture) of certain behavioural traits.
At this time, I'm not feeling terribly academically inclined, so I'll cut straight to the chase, without trying to make a proper segue.
Things I learned yesterday, over a post-Santa Clause parade bottle of red wine:
1) My mother will read this.
2) My mother lurks on TnF.
3) My mother lurks on old TnF (or as I lovingly refer to them, "the archives")
4) My mother has read your blog (if applicable).
How did I find this out?
"So, I saw your Christmas list... do you actually want a spy camera?"
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Episode 94: Like a little, creep a lot.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Episode 93: Dangers of lawling & bawling in public
Moral? Do not deviate from course material, or sit at the back of class.
Judging by the fact that this happened twice today, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I haven't learned from this experience.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Episode 92: "How have you not been kicked out yet?!?"
More like "How did you even get in?"
Speedgoggles - 1. After-party - 0.
Edit: "Sluttiness. It's a disability... to wear clothing." I said that. That is for you, Larry, whoever you are.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Episode 91: Santa, baby...
Santa's a pretty big creep, if you think about it... I mean, at any given time I might not know when you're sleeping, but he does.
PS. Nats>Xmas. Sunday will be like boxing day, except there won't be any bitchin' sales on at the mall.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Episode 90: The Good Life
Things that are good:
1) stake-outs
2) Harry Potter
3) lurking
4) high quality XC meets
5) red wine
6) behaving badly
7) not doing schoolwork
All of these things will occur within a 72 hour period. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it.
1) stake-outs
2) Harry Potter
3) lurking
4) high quality XC meets
5) red wine
6) behaving badly
7) not doing schoolwork
All of these things will occur within a 72 hour period. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Episode 89: Inevitability
Someone once asked me why I never make race predictions*, despite claiming to have "nothing else to live for" and an undeniably extensive knowledge of "the stats" (garnered from far too many hours and an internet connection).
My immediate, intuitive response was that I simply have no interest.
But why, might one ask?
Every race has a winner. I will always try to wheel that winner [unsuccessfully]. It's inevitable. Identity is nothing. Results are everything.
This could possibly be summed up with some kind of metaphor for life, but then I would have to punch myself in the face, and I grow tired of having to do that.
*Serious ones.
My immediate, intuitive response was that I simply have no interest.
But why, might one ask?
Every race has a winner. I will always try to wheel that winner [unsuccessfully]. It's inevitable. Identity is nothing. Results are everything.
This could possibly be summed up with some kind of metaphor for life, but then I would have to punch myself in the face, and I grow tired of having to do that.
*Serious ones.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Episode 88: Real-life applications?
This whole cartoon blogging venture may be a waste of time, but it has its uses. When angry notes fail, sarcasm and internet memes succeed. Roommates - take heed.
Edit: I also used Paintbrush to make graphics for a recent school project. BAMF.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Episode 87: I have a dream.
And it is:
To know how the facebook live feed algorithm works; is there a method to its madness?
There is certainly a method to mine.
To know how the facebook live feed algorithm works; is there a method to its madness?
There is certainly a method to mine.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Episode 86: Theoretically speaking...
When I was in grade three, I remember learning about Venn diagrams. The teacher who taught us about them was called Mrs. Van. She was one hardass old lady, who always pointed with her middle finger. This was funnier when I was eight. But I digress; until yesterday I thought it they were called Van diagrams.
Confusing times.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Episode 85: International Blogger of Mystery
Edit:
Related quote:
"I rarely go out because I know I'm not going to meet anyone I'm interested in... I can just tell by looking at them they can't run a mile faster than me."
"Perhaps you need to remove your speedgoggles, then."
"That's the thing - I can't!"
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Episode 84: You're more like the flavour of the week.
Taste bud overload this week.
But in all seriousness, this cartoon was inspired by the pumpkin flavoured ice cream that I've been pining after since visiting the T. Ho's across the road from Centennial Park...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Episode 83.5: T minus 1.
It's official. Speedgoggles has received authorization to attend the O-show.
Hide yo' senior boys, hide yo' husbands*.
*only if fast.
Hide yo' senior boys, hide yo' husbands*.
*only if fast.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Episode 83: What I learned in school...
... is occasionally valuable.Edit: facebook seems to have deleted the "wall to wall" option. You know I'm pissed. Guess they must have read this blog?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Episode 82: Who is this clown?
There is something off about this still frame. I cannot quite place it.
Happy Halloween.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Episode 81: My mind is a strange ecosystem...
"Ha! Look at that asshole with the mohawk!""Dad, that's my friend Mark."
Friday, October 29, 2010
Episode 80: Read 'em and weep.
Quote of the day: "Yeah, I think I saw him... I recognized him from creeping your creeping."
Clue of the day: In high school, I was given a visual arts award. Weep.
Clue of the day: In high school, I was given a visual arts award. Weep.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Episode 79: The ghost of XC seasons past...
Some say that I live near one of the most haunted places in Ontario. One of my friends claims that she encountered a mysterious self-flushing toilet there (Moaning Myrtle?).
I cannot speak to such rumours, but can indicate that the only disturbing thing I've experienced there is hill repeats.
I cannot speak to such rumours, but can indicate that the only disturbing thing I've experienced there is hill repeats.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Episode 79: Crazy cryptic clue
Alliteration - my high school's team name used to have it, but doesn't anymore.
Fact: it took me two years to notice this, so good luck with this one.
Fact: it took me two years to notice this, so good luck with this one.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Episode 78: The shame spectrum
Who creeps wall posts from 2007?
PS: Apologies in regards to the crappier than usual colouring. First, I really hate colouring, second, paintbrush was not cooperating.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Episode 76: Loose lips sink ships
Will the band play until the end?
Edit: this is also a [sneaky] clue.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Episode 75: Full circle
My apologies to a certain chemistry teacher/random high school sprinter to whom "The Scientist" may resemble. I am sure you are both fine upstanding citizens who lack meth labs in your basements.
Edit: this is clue #2.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Episode 73: Set-backs...
I was going to post a series of tasty but empty photos for your perusal, but then my camera's memory card decided it wanted to spontaneously delete all these delicious photos.
As such, I give you this off-centre running-related link.
As such, I give you this off-centre running-related link.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Episode 72: From the archives...
Two quotes about yours truly, unrelated, just remembered, from different times, for your amusement:
"So Speedgoggles, I see that ____ changed his relationship status. Congrats on finally nailing down an Ofsaa champion..."
-anonymous
"So people actually read all this crap? They think it's funny? Well, that is very interesting. However, it seems to me to be a large waste of time..."
-Speedgoggles Sr.
The first is false, the second is undeniable.
Edit: There is a third quote, also, which I thought I should add lest my mother read this blog and get sad:
"Can I be in your blog? I'm a runner!"
-Mrs. Speedgoggles Sr.
"So Speedgoggles, I see that ____ changed his relationship status. Congrats on finally nailing down an Ofsaa champion..."
-anonymous
"So people actually read all this crap? They think it's funny? Well, that is very interesting. However, it seems to me to be a large waste of time..."
-Speedgoggles Sr.
The first is false, the second is undeniable.
Edit: There is a third quote, also, which I thought I should add lest my mother read this blog and get sad:
"Can I be in your blog? I'm a runner!"
-Mrs. Speedgoggles Sr.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Episode 71.5: Thoughts?
I was strolling around today and I thought of a hypothetical situation that was at once so amusing and unfathomable that I had to stop and giggle for a little while.
If you are dating someone, does it still count as stalking?
I thought about it good and hard and came to the conclusion that it still counts.
If you are dating someone, does it still count as stalking?
I thought about it good and hard and came to the conclusion that it still counts.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Episode 69: The breakfast of champions
I am lying; I did not in fact have a martini for breakfast this morning. I did, however have something far more intoxicating: a slice of pumpkin pie.
This got me thinking.
The last time I had pie for breakfast (cherry pie that time, to be specific), I was standing alone in a parking lot at 5 am. It was the beginning of terrible, but great things.
I cannot help but think that that slice of pumpkin pie may have been an omen.
Watch out.
This got me thinking.
The last time I had pie for breakfast (cherry pie that time, to be specific), I was standing alone in a parking lot at 5 am. It was the beginning of terrible, but great things.
I cannot help but think that that slice of pumpkin pie may have been an omen.
Watch out.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Episode 68: A brush with death.
I should really put a password lock on my computer, but I like living dangerously.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Episode 67: 1km mark, revisited.
Apparently my local government pays more attention than I had predicted. Guess I'll just have to buy a better permanent marker...Have fun searching for this frame on Google street view, friends (don't worry, it's on there).
Note to self: those ugly on the inside should avoid introspective blog posts.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Episode 66: Cryptozoology
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
This metaphor is tight as hell.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Episode 62: Of barking and trees
The wrong trees. They are being barked at... but all the better for your friend Speedgoggles.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Episode 61.5: An interesting development...
Someone* made me a fan page.
At this point, the plot has reached the consistency of molasses.
Here is a question, which TnF user Yogenfruzz failed to ask, but probably should, have since the real answer is actually quite funny:
Who came up with this "Speedgoggles" nonsense?
Someone surprisingly well-adjusted and mature (evidently not me).
*judging by the schizophrenic nature of the creator's syntax, I'd guess TnF user Yogenfruzz.
At this point, the plot has reached the consistency of molasses.
Here is a question, which TnF user Yogenfruzz failed to ask, but probably should, have since the real answer is actually quite funny:
Who came up with this "Speedgoggles" nonsense?
Someone surprisingly well-adjusted and mature (evidently not me).
*judging by the schizophrenic nature of the creator's syntax, I'd guess TnF user Yogenfruzz.
Episode 62: FAQ = Facts?
I was recently assaulted with a very long, very probing PM on TnF from a certain user about whom I blogged yesterday. Rather than posting this on the forum and risking being hit with the "ban stick" I have decided to post my responses here.
FAQ
Who are you?
That is for me to know and you to find out.
Are you a man or a woman?
The answer to this doesn't make me more or less creepy. Eventually you will find out if your assumption was correct.
Do you live in Eastern Ontario?
Why would I tell you where I live? Are you going to look up my house on google earth and camp out outside my bedroom window with binoculars? Have I made a cartoon about doing that yet?
Are you actually a runner, or just some fatty who lives vicariously through stalking fast people?
I am a runner... sedentary people aren't affected by speedgoggles. Trust me. I've tried to explain it to people.
What brand of running shoe do you prefer?
I sleep around, if you know what I mean.
Snowboots or spikes for a race?
What kind of question is this? Are you trying to determine if I am from the North?
Have you been in a situation where you have been concerned for the health of one of the runners around you, because you were unsure if you could contain yourself and would potentially harm them emotionally and possibly physically?
I am not a sparkly vampire, I can control myself. How else could I have remained undiscovered for so long?
Do you enjoy being searched for?
The answer should be self-evident. I live for the chase.
Are you a pedofile?
No. I am creepy, not gross.
Do you actually have a pair of "googles" (or sunglasses) that you wear while stalking at meets that you use to 'covertly' people watch?
Of course. I suggest you buy a pair yourself.
Are you ever going to actually reveal yourself?
That will be half the fun.
FAQ
Who are you?
That is for me to know and you to find out.
Are you a man or a woman?
The answer to this doesn't make me more or less creepy. Eventually you will find out if your assumption was correct.
Do you live in Eastern Ontario?
Why would I tell you where I live? Are you going to look up my house on google earth and camp out outside my bedroom window with binoculars? Have I made a cartoon about doing that yet?
Are you actually a runner, or just some fatty who lives vicariously through stalking fast people?
I am a runner... sedentary people aren't affected by speedgoggles. Trust me. I've tried to explain it to people.
What brand of running shoe do you prefer?
I sleep around, if you know what I mean.
Snowboots or spikes for a race?
What kind of question is this? Are you trying to determine if I am from the North?
Have you been in a situation where you have been concerned for the health of one of the runners around you, because you were unsure if you could contain yourself and would potentially harm them emotionally and possibly physically?
I am not a sparkly vampire, I can control myself. How else could I have remained undiscovered for so long?
Do you enjoy being searched for?
The answer should be self-evident. I live for the chase.
Are you a pedofile?
No. I am creepy, not gross.
Do you actually have a pair of "googles" (or sunglasses) that you wear while stalking at meets that you use to 'covertly' people watch?
Of course. I suggest you buy a pair yourself.
Are you ever going to actually reveal yourself?
That will be half the fun.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Episode 61: Will the real speedgoggles please stand up?
I neither confirm or deny any TnF allegations at this time.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Episode 60: Who blogs at 12:30 AM on a Sunday?
Sad, lonely insomniacs is who.
But on to more pressing issues... like my inevitable presence at Ofsaa XC this year (don't even bother looking, I'll be in stealth mode).
I'm going to have to do some very bad things to get to Ofsaa this year. Nothing illegal, just bad. I can't tell you the specifics, but I can offer a couple of suggestions if you feel the content of my blog has slipped in the past couple of weeks (it has).
1) Hitchhike to Etobicoke. Best-case scenario: get picked up by some sexy EOSSA team.
2) Actually run fast enough to qualify.
3) Quit my POS unjob.
4) Convince my parents that it's okay to let me out of my solitary confinement cell.
5) Convince the local authorities that it's okay for me to leave the town limits and that my deer cartoon was just a joke (it was... kind of).
But on to more pressing issues... like my inevitable presence at Ofsaa XC this year (don't even bother looking, I'll be in stealth mode).
I'm going to have to do some very bad things to get to Ofsaa this year. Nothing illegal, just bad. I can't tell you the specifics, but I can offer a couple of suggestions if you feel the content of my blog has slipped in the past couple of weeks (it has).
1) Hitchhike to Etobicoke. Best-case scenario: get picked up by some sexy EOSSA team.
2) Actually run fast enough to qualify.
3) Quit my POS unjob.
4) Convince my parents that it's okay to let me out of my solitary confinement cell.
5) Convince the local authorities that it's okay for me to leave the town limits and that my deer cartoon was just a joke (it was... kind of).
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Episode 59: A "speedy" entry
I've been meaning to compile this list for a while.
Dictionary* entries that start with "Speed"
speed bag
speed bump
speed dating
speed-dial
speed hump
speed limit
speed merchant
speed read
speed skating
speed trap
speed-up
speedball
speedboat
speedo
speedometre
speedster
speedway
speedwell
speedwriter
I will misuse many of the words in puns, probably soon.
*actual dictionary, like your Grandmother would use for Scrabble.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Episode 58: Short and Bittersweet
I have become a victim of my own success.
If I were an indie band I'd say I had become too mainstream. It's not really the same thing at all though because I don't have any ideals to contradict.
Don't worry though kids (adults too perhaps?) the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
If I were an indie band I'd say I had become too mainstream. It's not really the same thing at all though because I don't have any ideals to contradict.
Don't worry though kids (adults too perhaps?) the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Episode 55: Dog ate my homework
Untrue story. Excuses, excuses...
Time for a story:
Last year a squirrel frolicked free - like the wind, or an empty, discarded Blizzard cup (I see them a lot when I run for some reason, and they make me sad, hungry and sick all at once). A nasty, irresponsible hooligan (the sort who would probably make reference to Forest Gump when you pass by in your shortest of shorts) rolled freely along an arbitrary strip of tarmac.
As it happens (or did happen) the arbitrary path of the frolicking squirrel becomes entwined in the arbitrary strip of tarmac, at the precise moment when the irresponsible hooligan rolls past.
The squirrel does not win. It dies. And so it goes.
Some time later, Speedgoggles ran by and saw the squirrel. Speedgoggles did nothing.
The next day Speedgoggles ran by and the saw the squirrel. Something had eaten its eyes and flies were swarming.
And so on. It was a bit like watching one of those youtube videos were some loser** takes a picture of themselves every day and you can watch them age in real time. Except this was not in real time, so I guess it wasn't really like that at all.
This continues for the entire cross-country season, until the squirrel doesn't look very much like a squirrel. Actually, it was more of a stain on the road with a bit of matted fur stuck to it. But I knew what it was and that was all that mattered.
For an entire cross-country season I felt a deep spiritual connection to roadkill.
I told someone about this. Their response?
"Ew... that is SOOOO gross."
The end. No moral or inspirational afterthoughts.
**probably still cooler than me though.
Time for a story:
Last year a squirrel frolicked free - like the wind, or an empty, discarded Blizzard cup (I see them a lot when I run for some reason, and they make me sad, hungry and sick all at once). A nasty, irresponsible hooligan (the sort who would probably make reference to Forest Gump when you pass by in your shortest of shorts) rolled freely along an arbitrary strip of tarmac.
As it happens (or did happen) the arbitrary path of the frolicking squirrel becomes entwined in the arbitrary strip of tarmac, at the precise moment when the irresponsible hooligan rolls past.
The squirrel does not win. It dies. And so it goes.
Some time later, Speedgoggles ran by and saw the squirrel. Speedgoggles did nothing.
The next day Speedgoggles ran by and the saw the squirrel. Something had eaten its eyes and flies were swarming.
And so on. It was a bit like watching one of those youtube videos were some loser** takes a picture of themselves every day and you can watch them age in real time. Except this was not in real time, so I guess it wasn't really like that at all.
This continues for the entire cross-country season, until the squirrel doesn't look very much like a squirrel. Actually, it was more of a stain on the road with a bit of matted fur stuck to it. But I knew what it was and that was all that mattered.
For an entire cross-country season I felt a deep spiritual connection to roadkill.
I told someone about this. Their response?
"Ew... that is SOOOO gross."
The end. No moral or inspirational afterthoughts.
**probably still cooler than me though.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Episode 53: Your number one fan, please.
That is me, on the left in my 'Amanda' days, in case you were wondering.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Episode 51: Pseudo-science is sexy, also.
Discussion:This graph represents only the average amount of harassment received. Individual statistics may be skewed depending on the age/attractiveness of the individual (if female), the degree of splitting of the shorts (if male) and the tightness of the spandex (both genders). Presence of aggravating accessories such as compression socks, sunglasses, bright colours and speed are known to also contribute to the situation.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Episode 47: Once you see it...
Episode 46: Speedgoggles are disappoint...
... in the following types of wall posts:
1) birthday wishes
2) farmville-type app shit
3) race congratulations
4) silly bitches who do not run being impressed
5) privacy settings
They clog things up. 'New' facebook is stupid too. No sticky back button. Real pain in the ass. A cartoon may follow later today if I do not die cleaning my room (a distinct possibility).
1) birthday wishes
2) farmville-type app shit
3) race congratulations
4) silly bitches who do not run being impressed
5) privacy settings
They clog things up. 'New' facebook is stupid too. No sticky back button. Real pain in the ass. A cartoon may follow later today if I do not die cleaning my room (a distinct possibility).
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Episode 45: Always the same thing...
I was going to post this last night, but good ol' Paintbrush crashed halfway through and I was too enraged/suicidal to attempt to redraw it. Fucking rainbows.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Episode 44: Yo dawg, I heard you like creeping...
...so I put you in a creeper meeting so you can creep while you creep.
Much iylyl was had this morning.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Episode 43: Lawnmowers grind my soul.
I apologize in advance for the non-creeping related nature of this post. I'll be back in the game soon... promise.
Anyways, I was running a couple of days ago, and then it started to smell like dog poop. Undaunted, I soldiered on, knowing that I would soon escape the toxic range of such a smell.
But the dog poop smell lasted at least 700m. For 700m, I did some soul searching and came up with this...
Top-10 smells that lead to self-loathing while running:
10. wet asphalt
9. car exhaust
8. odiferous food
7. dirtbag smokers, blissfully unaware of irony
6. lawnmower, cut grass.
5. fry grease (specifically KFC or the arena variety)
4. caustic factory smells
3. garbage truck in summer
2. dead stock truck
1. Fecal matter of any kind, especially when visible and pervasive.
I actually really hate lawnmowers. They grind on my soul. I am nearly suicidal and hiding inside due to the fact that my mother is currently using ours.
Anyways, I was running a couple of days ago, and then it started to smell like dog poop. Undaunted, I soldiered on, knowing that I would soon escape the toxic range of such a smell.
But the dog poop smell lasted at least 700m. For 700m, I did some soul searching and came up with this...
Top-10 smells that lead to self-loathing while running:
10. wet asphalt
9. car exhaust
8. odiferous food
7. dirtbag smokers, blissfully unaware of irony
6. lawnmower, cut grass.
5. fry grease (specifically KFC or the arena variety)
4. caustic factory smells
3. garbage truck in summer
2. dead stock truck
1. Fecal matter of any kind, especially when visible and pervasive.
I actually really hate lawnmowers. They grind on my soul. I am nearly suicidal and hiding inside due to the fact that my mother is currently using ours.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Episode 42: Always read the fine print...
Likelihood of this happening: 234324^-323. I hate summer.
PS - Notice how the title of this post managed to not reference the Hitchhiker's Guide in any way.
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